The memories you share with someone you’ve known your whole life threaten to become JUST secrets TRAPPED INSIDE OF YOU when that person gets ill and eventually dies. IT’S a deeply lonely feeling.

i hold my dad’s hand and it lacks the authority it once had. The command. It is soft, the fingers tapered, the veins pronounced. it’s cool to the touch and i hold it with my stronger grip, tentatively feeling for signs that it is weaker than the last time. that he may be slipping further away from me as we speak. i grasp it and am as grateful as anyone has ever been about anything that i have this one more moment.

Whether he has been hard or easy to love, my father has been mine. as he starts to go, a part of me is starting to go with him.

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Dorothy Bauer sent her 5- year-old son to military camp to learn out to stand up straight, kill, and survive. he came out loving music and hating the trappings of maleness that she’d held so dear.

Dorothy Bauer sent her 5- year-old son to military camp to learn out to stand up straight, kill, and survive. he came out loving music and hating the trappings of maleness that she’d held so dear.

I found Grandma Dorothy while cleaning my dad’s apartment.

I found Grandma Dorothy while cleaning my dad’s apartment.

While my father was in the rehabilitation clinic the first time, I cleaned his apartment, filled to capacity with mysteries, and marveled over the letter-spike of rubber bands I found in the freezer.

While my father was in the rehabilitation clinic the first time, I cleaned his apartment, filled to capacity with mysteries, and marveled over the letter-spike of rubber bands I found in the freezer.

The only time I ever saw my father cry was when he remembered the time men who showed up at his mother’s front door to tell her that Uncle Jack was dead.

The only time I ever saw my father cry was when he remembered the time men who showed up at his mother’s front door to tell her that Uncle Jack was dead.

Greta, a brief affair in Germany.

Greta, a brief affair in Germany.

Evidence of a beating.

Evidence of a beating.

The second stroke.

Rehab.

Rehab.

Yellow socks.

Heart failure.

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My dad didn’t meet his grandson until my son was 8-years-old. He regrets that now.

My dad didn’t meet his grandson until my son was 8-years-old. He regrets that now.

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